I've spent so much time designing, editing and judging the cover page of this blog and yet I never really spend time her. People used to blog a lot on blogger or their website but that all became invalid ever since handy blogging apps like Dayre existed.
Since Dayre started, many people went on to the trend and like usual, some stayed and some left. I would not say I have spent a lot a lot of my time typing away on my phone screen but I did spent a fair amount of time reading other people's blog almost everyday and occasionally update my own blog space. It's fun, it's really fun to be reading what other people share and I do find myself a lot of comfort being there. However, that is short lived due to the un-sustainability of the apps. Dayre has announced to officially stop it's apps / space end of this month.
Many people commented, angered, saddens and etc. But sometimes, don't just some good things always come to an end ? Anyway, whether it's an end or a start. Life goes on.
Likewise, my life goes on whether I am happy or not.
I was very devastated for the past few months and I always find myself questioning myself these:
Why am I going through this and never learn to voice for myself despite everything keeping and boiling inside me ? (Not that I have never tried, I just can't put my thoughts into words/ utter anything once the people I'm conversing or living with bomb me with mean words and pushing me down as if I really have no self worth at all) I may be exaggerating but don't you think there will always be a reason why I am feeling that way ? If they make me feel that way, don't you think is something that we have to be concerned about ?
What does friendship/ friend means ? I never really take things too seriously except or myself/ self expectation and that may be why friends around me think that I am a really bad friend who doesn't care, cherish and selfish. Again, as long as we know and people who understand knows that you have no bad intention and not harming anyone in a way. That is good enough. In life, we just can't avoid any misunderstanding. Hence, should we be clearing and standing up for what we believed all the way to the end or just let the matter rest ? Sometimes, it's really a dilemma and a huge headache.
It came to a point where, I felt really reluctant to go home every single time after work / class. "Coming home should be a luxury, something everyone looks forward to at the end of the day", as much as I would love to but that wasn't my case at that point of time. I rather stay at work, hang out with people or even just by sitting alone at cafe/ restaurant or roaming around the mall aimlessly (I don't feel really happy either sometimes and get really frustrated) than going home to the world of awkwardness / strangeness / uncomfortability and etc.
All these crazy feeling of ups and downs drove me crazy, up to a point where my tears just roll down my check without any signs of warning, finding myself too curious about every single thing that my friend do/ did which they were obviously hiding, being frustrated to things that I have found out knowing them not wanting me to know, missing and crying to want be at the side of my family (my parents, my sisters, cousins and dear friends back home).
You may think that, I am exaggerating but it is true that at that point of time, with all these issues, it drives my emotions down to a point where I think I was going crazy and almost having depression. I am really glad that my sis came down for a visit and I was able to finally cry them all out, released and talk my feelings out. I am also very glad that, I was able to pull myself up again after that one night of serious crying and shouting in my soul, I realised that I really don't want myself to feel that way anymore. Before that, I made a decision to move to Brisbane with my sister (you can either say I am starting a new life / running away from all these shyt). Either way, I am just going to think for myself and be happy again.
This is the thing I learned, why let people / things bring you down when what they say does not seem to make sense?, why be friends or value people who kept pushing you down and focus so much on your weakness than helping you step out and be a better person?, why let circumstances decide on your destiny?, why beat yourself up so hard and harsh when almost all things going to be better again in no time?
So, STAY CHEERFUL, STAY HAPPY AND STAY HEALTHY.
Mental health is important
I witness and felt it myself this and I really think that, we should never let our face mask deceive our feelings. You never really know how much that one person is going through until you hold their hands, touch their heart and hear them say.
DEPRESSION IS SCARY. MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT SOMETHING SHOULD LOOK LIGHTLY UPON.
Promise me, look at the people around you today. Be with them. Talk to them. You will be surprised to find out things that you've never expected and thought it may happen. Whether or not, is still good to spend some quality time understanding each other.
Till then,
Amanda ♥
