Coming back ? ; Depressed

I've spent so much time designing, editing and judging the cover page of this blog and yet I never really spend time her. People used to blog a lot on blogger or their website but that all became invalid ever since handy blogging apps like Dayre existed.

Since Dayre started, many people went on to the trend and like usual, some stayed and some left. I would not say I have spent a lot a lot of my time typing away on my phone screen but I did spent a fair amount of time reading other people's blog almost everyday and occasionally update my own blog space. It's fun, it's really fun to be reading what other people share and I do find myself a lot of comfort being there. However, that is short lived due to the un-sustainability of the apps. Dayre has announced to officially stop it's apps / space end of this month.

Many people commented, angered, saddens and etc. But sometimes, don't just some good things always come to an end ? Anyway, whether it's an end or a start. Life goes on.

Likewise, my life goes on whether I am happy or not.

I was very devastated for the past few months and I always find myself questioning myself these:

Why am I going through this and never learn to voice for myself despite everything keeping and boiling inside me ? (Not that I have never tried, I just can't put my thoughts into words/ utter anything once the people I'm conversing or living with bomb me with mean words and pushing me down as if I really have no self worth at all) I may be exaggerating but don't you think there will always be a reason why I am feeling that way ? If they make me feel that way, don't you think is something that we have to be concerned about ?

What does friendship/ friend means ? I never really take things too seriously except or myself/ self expectation and that may be why friends around me think that I am a really bad friend who doesn't care, cherish and selfish. Again, as long as we know and people who understand knows that you have no bad intention and not harming anyone in a way. That is good enough. In life, we just can't avoid any misunderstanding. Hence, should we be clearing and standing up for what we believed all the way to the end or just let the matter rest ? Sometimes, it's really a dilemma and a huge headache.

It came to a point where, I felt really reluctant to go home every single time after work / class. "Coming home should be a luxury, something everyone looks forward to at the end of the day", as much as I would love to but that wasn't my case at that point of time. I rather stay at work, hang out with people or even just by sitting alone at cafe/ restaurant or roaming around the mall aimlessly (I don't feel really happy either sometimes and get really frustrated) than going home to the world of awkwardness / strangeness / uncomfortability and etc.

All these crazy feeling of ups and downs drove me crazy, up to a point where my tears just roll down my check without any signs of warning, finding myself too curious about every single thing that my friend do/ did which they were obviously hiding, being frustrated to things that I have found out knowing them not wanting me to know, missing and crying to want be at the side of my family (my parents, my sisters, cousins and dear friends back home).

You may think that, I am exaggerating but it is true that at that point of time, with all these issues, it drives my emotions down to a point where I think I was going crazy and almost having depression. I am really glad that my sis came down for a visit and I was able to finally cry them all out, released and talk my feelings out. I am also very glad that, I was able to pull myself up again after that one night of serious crying and shouting in my soul, I realised that I really don't want myself to feel that way anymore. Before that, I made a decision to move to Brisbane with my sister (you can either say I am starting a new life / running away from all these shyt). Either way, I am just going to think for myself and be happy again.

This is the thing I learned, why let people / things bring you down when what they say does not seem to make sense?, why be friends or value people who kept pushing you down and focus so much on your weakness than helping you step out and be a better person?, why let circumstances decide on your destiny?, why beat yourself up so hard and harsh when almost all things going to be better again in no time?

So, STAY CHEERFUL, STAY HAPPY AND STAY HEALTHY. 

Mental health is important

I witness and felt it myself this and I really think that, we should never let our face mask deceive our feelings. You never really know how much that one person is going through until you hold their hands, touch their heart and hear them say.

DEPRESSION IS SCARY. MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT SOMETHING SHOULD LOOK LIGHTLY UPON. 

Promise me, look at the people around you today. Be with them. Talk to them. You will be surprised to find out things that you've never expected and thought it may happen. Whether or not, is still good to spend some quality time understanding each other.

Till then,

Amanda ♥

Pre-Departure Feelings

Every effort counts in making a memorable gathering happen !

Last 1st February was Federal Territory Day, which means holiday to people who are working/ studying in the Federal Government's Territory. I'm neither studying or working now but I'm still on a holiday, my own dedicated holiday. 

Talking about holiday, my long long long holiday is going to end in about 2 weeks time!

How time flies. 

Let me share you a few pictures taken on that day before i continue with my thoughts. 

 

Group picture taken at Hemisphere Restaurant @ Regalia

We were supposed to take a picture with good view but unfortunately we were all well 

fed by our beloved so that's the best shot we can do

 Roses among the thorns or Thorns among the roses ?

The only two ladies

Yep, there is only two of us among the many guy students in our college badge

"TIME FLIES" 

When I was younger, i always hear the elderly says, 

"Wah, how time flies. You are such a big girl now. You look so different from last time and you were only half my hip" 

I did not realized how time really fly pass then but now I DO ! I REALLY REALLY DO.

Not long ago, I was just counting down myself that there is another 4 more months to go before the big day and now, for the past one week I was nervous/excited/unsure/stress/anxious about that day coming very very soon. I was woken for at least once in the middle of the night twice for the past one week, I guess I am really nervous. I think I'm scared too. 

I'm excited and happy but at the same time I'm scared and nervous. At the same time, I tend to think a lot too. I'm unsure of what will happen here when I'm not around, I'm curious to know how people who are closed to me feel/ adapt to the fact that I'm there for good and of course, will grandpa knows / remember that I'm not at home anymore ?

I'd asked my family about how do they feel now knowing that the day it's coming. 

I nearly teared when i asked because I was thinking hard about it too. 

Dad did said that he is kind of happy but sad at the same time, Mum said she will be happy because it is a happy thing. It's true that it is a Happy thing but there will be a time where you will feel the pinch of it which I'm already feeling it even before going ! 

My sisters and I have always been my parents' baby girls so it's even harder for me to really get use to it. I think it is normal to feel such way especially to whoever is going abroad for long. As much as i think it's difficult but that would just be the beginning. Everything needs a starting point and this would be my biggest and toughest starting point of all for now. Despite all this inner feeling conflict, I'm very happy that i have made this decision because i know this will do more good than harm. 

No matter how far I would go after this, for long as I am still who I am, for whom who is still holding on to all the valuable life principles and values, I will always do my very best to achieve high and be where I want myself to be & most importantly make my parents proud. 

Allowing your children to study overseas is not merely for the education but for the experiences and exposure they may gained in the process which helps form who they will be in the coming future. It's the future that parents are more concerned with and so for the future my parents cared about, I will always remind myself why am I there and where do I want myself to head towards to. 

It is a huge investment that all parents are betting on their children - it's either for the outcome / return (their children's achievement) or for the experience / fun of investing (children's exposure and experience). 

In the latter, what I'm trying to say is similar to certain investors who invest just for the fun of investing and taking a bet on stocks to earn the experience of investing in that particular stocks. At least they get to know how it feels like investing in that stocks.

 All in all, it is a huge investment that my parents are betting on me and as the management of the "stock" my parents are betting on, I will make sure my company (which is me in this aspect) performs the best and not to disappoint my parents (my biggest shareholder and pillar of support) and possibly generates a high ROI in the future. 

Till then, 

Amanda 

Talks & Thoughts behind "Talks & Thoughts"

I have been an on-off blogger since many years back. Not literally an active blogger like many people out there but more of a blogger to my own blog. I used to keep my blog public for some time before i had decided to private it for some reason and i have also stopped dayrying for about 2 months now. I also used to pen down the most random thing that happened in my life like i have overslept on the day where i have morning paper, pranks that i tricked on my friend and etc.

So why did i stop my other blogging platforms and start with a new one ?
"Talks & Thoughts"

I wanted this new blog to be different from how i used to handle the other platforms.
Since I am on my biggest and most important decision in my life thus far, i want this blog to be part of a medium where i will be jotting down all my thoughts and feelings in accordance with what takes place in my life. I wanted "Talks & Thoughts" to not only be a diary of my own (which is my thoughts) but also stories / sharing that i would love myself to share with people in my life (which is the talks) and that is why i came out with the name, "Talks & Thoughts".

I am not sure if I will keep this blog as meaningful / content-full as i hoped neither i could promise if i would keep it active but I will try since I really enjoy looking back at my previous post which at times reminds me a lot on what lessons i have learned from the many occasions that happened in my life. I am pretty sure if i were to keep this up, i would be very pleased at myself after 3-5 years or even 10 years when grey hairs on my head start showing me the sign of aging.

But I shouldn't get too worried i guess. Who knows 10 years later , technology advanced to a stage where it could make you look young like a toddler with just a jab of some-magic potion.
It's just 4.46pm now and I am already wandering around in my own fantasy.

Hope 29th January 2016 marks the remarkable day of Amanda Young coming back to her want-to-blog-and-share habit.

Till then,
Amanda Young